passive aggression by children

>Intentional Inefficiency at Chore Time

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>So, we have this repetitive conversation at our house that goes something like this:

Children:  Can we get a dog?  We really want a pug.

Parents:  We can get a dog when you girls show us that you are ready to take care of one.  First, you have to show us that you can feed the kitties everyday withour needing 100 reminders.

Children:  But Moooooooooooom!  But Daaaaaaaaaaaad!  We doooooooooooo.

Parents: (Laugh.  Exchange knowing glances.)

Last night, my husband was on his 95th reminder to our older daughter to feed the kittens.  Following her 75th, “I’ll do it in a minute” (she simply pretended not to hear the first 20 requests, as she kept her eyes glued to her lady Gaga video on the computer screen), she all of a sudden got indignant:

Fine.  I’ll do it right away.  I don’t know why you have to be so impatient about it, Dad!”

She runs to the kitty dishes.  We hear the pouring of the food.  A lot of pouring, in fact.  She runs back to the computer with an angry smile on her face and resumes her dry-eyed screen stare.

My husband and I check out the kitty bowls.  Oh, she fed them alright.  The food dish overflowed with food.  The water dish overflowed with instantly-soggy food.  The mat underneath was covered in kibble.  The cats were indeed fed.  This ought to last ’em for a month!

For those counting the levels of passive aggressive behavior and keeping score, that’s 75 incidents of temporary compliance and 1 heaping serving of intentional inefficiency for my passive aggressive cat feeder.

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>If You Say One More Word… Passive Aggressive Comments From the Back Seat!

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>One of the funniest gals I know relayed this story about her son who is following in her comic footsteps…much to his demise in this instance:

The family of four is on a 5-minute drive to a nearby restaurant for a Valentine’s Day dinner.  Starting on minute one, the 4-year old son starts talking back to his father and just being disrespectful, in general.  By minute four, approaching the restaurant parking lot, the dad has had it.

Dad: That’s enough, Jack.  No more talking back.  If you say one more word, I’m going to turn this car around and take you home, and there will be no Valentine’s Day dinner for you.

Jack: Thinks for a moment.  Then, yells, “A!”

Dad:  Turns the car abruptly and begins to head back towards home.  “You are done!  I am bringing you home.”

Jack:  But Dad!  I only said “A!”  That’s not a word, it’s only a letter!

Poor Jack–he couldn’t resist that passive aggressive little dig at his dad, even at the known risk of losing dinner at his favorite restaurant.   Classic Level 5 Self-depreciation!!

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>Sticks and Stones: A Little Girl’s First Experience with Bullying

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>My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.

Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.

In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.

When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.

Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.

In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.

In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.

The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.

The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

>Kids Can Play at this Game Too!

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>Lest you think that passive aggressive behavior is only for the experienced antagonizer, it should be noted that younger children are perfectly capable of using compliant defiance. Like their older counterparts who gather that passive aggression can be more satisfying (and often less likely to result in punishment or immediate confrontation) than overt aggression, even preschool-aged children catch on to the fact that a tantrum in the candy aisle will result in being whisked out of a store, but pretending not to hear Mommy say “Look but don’t touch” can easily result in an “accidentally” unwrapped candy bar and subsequent chocolate purchase!

I witnessed two funny examples of preschool passive aggression just yesterday:

My three year old was happily playing with her father, but after a time, he needed to make work phone calls, so he ended their playtime…much to her disgruntlement…and walked into his home office, closing the door behind him. Keen enough to understand that yelling outside of his door would result in consequences she did not want, our daughter did the next best thing outside of that door; she locked it. If Daddy wanted to work in his office, then she could help make that happen, since he now had no way of getting out!

She was subtle enough in her act of passive aggression, that I didn’t even notice her locking of his door. She and I then spent a good 90 minutes together in another part of the house…a part far, far away by my design, as my intention was to keep my husband’s office area nice and quiet. As it turned out, he spent most of that hour and a half knocking on his own door, hoping we would be close enough to hear and let him out! Guess she showed him…

My second observation was at a karate studio, where 5-8 year olds were taking their afternoon class. A 4-year old little sister was eager to join her sibling in the class. Though she had an understanding of the studio’s rules against non-students going “on the mat” and she could clearly hear her parents’ repeated admonishments not to enter the studio, she entertained herself by testing all of the limits given. With a classic angry smile on her face, she kept stepping on the mat and looking back at her mom, waiting for her mom to notice. When her father would warn her to step back, she smiled a little bigger and stepped forward. As her parents grew more and more frustrated with having to repeatedly warn her and carry her out of the studio, her enjoyment of the passive aggressive game increased. It was one of those moments that was cute from an observer’s point of view…maddening from a parent’s perspective…and oh, so amusing from the child’s!

Please Comment here, sharing your own stories of passive aggressive behavior by children.

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