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signewhitson
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Posts by signewhitson
>Diary of a Wimpy Kid
98415 years
>My husband and kids have been telling me about the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books and movie for months now, but it took a suggestion from an LSCI co-worker to get me to rent the just-released DVD. The film was a huge hit with my 7-year old, not to mention chock-full of examples of passive aggressive behavior.
The scenes between older brother, Roderick, and the main character, Greg are prime examples of passive aggression between siblings. From the opening scene, where Roderick sets Greg up to awaken at 4am for the first day of school (an entire week before school starts!) to Greg getting his own passive aggressive revenge by putting Roderick’s forbidden “girly” magazine into the hands of their baby brother (for which Roderick is grounded for 4 weeks and loses driving privileges), both brothers have the angriest of smiles and the most hilariously hostile sibling relationship.
Have you seen the film or read the books yet? Does your relationship with your own sibling resemble the passive aggression between Roderick and Greg?
Thanks, Suzanne, for the movie recommendation!
>What Not to Say At Work
89915 years
>In many workplace settings, where adults spend the majority of their waking hours and corporate hierarchies inhibit the direct expression of feelings, a passive aggressive employee is able to sabotage everything from individual deadlines to organizational productivity. It is critical for employers to be able to recognize passive aggressive behaviors in the workplace before these covertly hostile acts can create a negative impact on morale and decrease organizational productivity.
Is there a sabatueur in your office? Keeps your ears tuned for these common, telltale office phrases:
I’ll Get it to You Tomorrow
The passive aggressive employee often feels underappreciated and expresses his underlying anger through temporary compliance. Though he verbally agrees to a task, he behaviorally delays its completion, by procrastinating, “forgetting” important deadlines, “misplacing” files, mis-using sick days, and arriving late.
No One Told Me
For the passive aggressive co-worker, it is more important to express his covert hostility than to maintain an appearance of professional competence. He uses intentional inefficiency to complete work in a purposefully unacceptable way. Look out for employees whose work is consistently at or below minimum standards, who insists “no one ever told me,” and who personalizes any confrontations from authority, playing up their role as victim.
You Weren’t Here, so I Just Asked Your Boss
Sabotage is the name of the game for the passive aggressive employee. Beware of those who consistently engage in office gossip, incessantly complain about their boss, thwart workplace hierarchies, and withhold important information.
I Just Left a Message Because You Had Left for the Day
Direct, assertive communication is a skill that the passive aggressive employee has never mastered. Sound the passive aggressive alarms whenever you notice an employee who goes to great lengths to avoid face-to-face confrontation, fails to respond to e-mails, leaves sticky notes on office doors just when they know a co-worker has stepped out, and returns phone calls only after the workday is over.
For more information on passive aggressive behavior in the workplace and how to effectively confront this destructive office dynamic, check out The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces, 2nd ed.
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>MTV’s The Real World New Orleans
56115 years
>
Despite the major wrongs on both sides, Ryan decided he was the innocent victim when he phoned the New Orleans police (who I’m pretty sure have bigger crimes to solve!) and reported the toothbrush incidents.
With MTV, it’s difficult to clip episodes, so I have to ask you to fast forward to the 90 sec scene btween 38:30 and 40:00. For a classic and insightful explanation of the reasons behind passive aggressive revenge, you can’t get better than Preston’s apology and “confessional.” Preston talks about how gratifying passive aggressive behavior can be to the person who commits the acts of covert hostility and also recognizes his tendencies as an “ugly characteristic”
http://www.mtv.com/videos/real-world-new-orleans-ep-6-sing-out-cop-out/1644491/playlist.jhtml
If you watch the scene that follows, you see that despite Ryan’s seemingly sincere acceptance of Preston’s apology, his own passive aggressive behavior
On a totally unrelated note…My Baby Clothes Boutique has been partnering with me to provide articles and resources to parents, as their way of giving back to their community. If you are in the market for truly unique and fashionable baby gifts, please check them out!
>Choices in Anger Expression
98215 years
by signewhitson
in Uncategorized
>It’s one thing to write about helping kids make smart choices when it comes to expressing anger—it’s another thing to watch an emotional situation play out right before your eyes and hope that your own child will make a good decision! Last weekend, I took my daughter and her friend to a pizza-n-games type of place. For them, making time for the delicious pizza buffet is like “having” to eat their veggies before they can enjoy dessert; wobbly crane machines and spinning prize wheels are the true delight of the restaurant.
My daughter brought two weeks worth of allowance to the restaurant, hoping beyond hope to win enough tickets to redeem for a quarter’s worth of plastic toys. Okay—that was my cynical adult perspective sneaking through. What I meant to say was that my daughter set a goal, helped around the house for two weeks to earn money, and saved it all for a valued (if not valuable) prize. Her single-mindedness was admirable and her hopes were peaking by the time she downed her requisite two slices of pizza.
First game—lose. Second game—lose again. Third game—the charm? No—near miss! Fourth game and last set of tokens—victory! She won 35 tickets—ten more than she even needed to win the nickel-sized plastic crab of her dreams. She and her friend walked to the prize redemption machine, filled with giddiness and glee. My daughter carefully threaded her tickets through the narrow slot and watched the digital reader tally her score. She triple-checked the machine for the right code for her chosen toy. She entered the first digit, then—one button-press away from her coveted prize—her friend leaned into the machine and pressed the entire panel of buttons at once! Out came a round, grape lollipop—just the prize my daughter never wanted!
I watched the whole scene unfold from about 10 feet away. From high hopes to dashed emotions, it was a roller coaster ride before my very eyes. I held my breath to see how my daughter would respond. What choice would she make to express the anger over what, in her world, was a major wrong?
First, came the tears. Then, there was a foot stomp. I’m pretty sure I saw steam come out of her ears next. She buried her head in my stomach, walked with me out of the game room, and like a true therapist’s daughter, started talking her way through the situation. Her stream of emotional consciousness flurried through four basic choices in expressing her angry feelings:
Screaming & Shouting
Her first instinct was to stomp, scream and shout. She wanted to yell, “You ruined my game and you did it on purpose! I hate you! I’m never bringing you here again. You have to give me all of your tickets so that I can get a new prize!”
This type of verbally aggressive behavior is a common impulsive response by kids. Whether verbal (calling names, threatening) or physical (hitting, grabbing, kicking), aggression is destructive to relationships and never the best choice for expressing angry feelings.
Holding it All In
Talking her way through the aggressive options helped her drain off some of her angry steam. She then began to consider a much different course of action. “It’s okay if I don’t get the crab. The kids will like me more if I don’t say anything else. I can always earn more allowance and come back in a few weeks.”
In this passive frame of mind, my daughter tried to convince herself that her needs were not as important as the needs of her friend or of being liked, so she considered allowing her needs to go unmet.
Getting Revenge
Where my daughter spent the most time debating her choices was in the revenge category. “I’m gonna press all the buttons on the machine when she is picking her prize next time. When she puts her tickets down, I’m going to rip them all up and say it was an “accident” like she said to me. Next time I go to her house, I’ll hide her piggy bank so that she knows what it feels like to lose all your money for nothing!”
In the moment, her ideas for passive aggressive revenge felt justified. Knowing that aggressive actions would immediately get her in trouble and passive behaviors wouldn’t feel satisfactory, she stayed stuck in this more socially acceptable, but emotionally dishonest way of expressing anger.
Tell it Like it Is
With a little coaching to get over the seemingly sweet prospect of revenge, my daughter ultimately steered her own course toward telling her friend honestly and directly how she felt about the button-pressing incident. The whole decision-making process took about 10 minutes of discussion, a quick role play, and a long, cool drink of water, but then my daughter was able to assertively say, “I felt so mad when you pressed those buttons while I was entering my code because I had my heart set on winning that crab. I want you to be very careful when I am redeeming my tickets from now on. I don’t want you to touch any of the buttons next time.”
In the end, the real outcome my daughter was hoping for was to go home with the crab. She did not get exactly what she wanted, but she did achieve something bigger on that playdate. She ran through a series of choices in her own mind, used me as a supportive sounding board, and ultimately made a choice that demonstrated emotional-control, strengthened her friendship, and made her mama proud!
My Baby Clothes Boutique is partnering with me to provide articles, such as this one, to parents and professionals. Check them out whenever you need to find that perfect outfit for your little one. They have it all: adorable baby headbands, cute baby shoes, trendy baby hats, and everything in between!
>Real World: New Orleans | Ep. 4 | Superbrawl 2010
92116 years
by signewhitson
in Uncategorized
>I haven’t been able to extract just a clip of this episode, but you can fast forward to about 33 min, 40 sec into the episode. Check out the extreme examples of passive aggressive behavior between Ryan and Preston–it’s Hidden but Conscious Revenge to the extreme!!
Real World: New Orleans Ep. 4 Superbrawl 2010: “The animosity between Ryan and Preston escalates to a place that shocks everyone and the roommates fear for McKenzie’s safety when she gets black out drunk on Superbowl Sunday.”
>Silence, Deafening Silence
50016 years
by signewhitson
in gifts
>In The Angry Smile
At a neighborhood cook-out this weekend, I was told this great story about an elderly mother, the daughter she lives with, and a heartfelt birthday gift:
My mom is a widow who got herself into financial trouble after my dad’s death. About five years ago, we invited her to come live with our family. Since I have four children and my husband works a lot, I thought that she could help us and we could help her. We’ve had our ups and downs over these last few years and while we love each other, there is a lot of resentment brewing on both sides about our living arrangement.
Last week, it was my birthday. I was busy cooking and getting the house ready to have about 15 family members over. The house was a wreck and above all, it was just so loud, with all of the kids playing noisily, the TV on, music playing, the dog barking, etc. When my mom walked in the kitchen and started talking endlessly about something she had just seen on TV, I glared at her.
“What?” she asked. “What do you want?”
“Silence!” I pleaded. “Just 10 minutes of silence, please.”
My mother stormed out of the kitchen and proceeded to give me just what I had asked for—the silent treatment for four straight days. Not a word. Not a peep. A few icy stares, but no sounds.
My birthday came and went, without her saying a thing to me. I didn’t really mind. It was sort of peaceful.
The day after my birthday, my mom decided it was time to speak to me again. She asked, “Can I talk now?” After the momentary awkwardness, I thought we were back on track. Until about ten minutes later, when I heard the most horrendous, shrill squeaking noise coming from my family room. I rushed in to see my mom tossing a brand-new, squeaking plastic bone to our dog. “Look how much he loves his new toy!” she said with her best angry smile.
She was right—he loved it! Played with it all day. Through the night as well! I’ve never in my life heard a doggie-toy with a pitch quite as high as this one. She got me! I wish I had enjoyed her gift of silence more while I had had it!
Have you been the recipient of any good passive aggressive gifts—someone trying to prove their point and express their hostility wordlessly? Do tell!
If you are interested in reading more about passive aggressive gifts, backhanded compliments, an unsolicited advice, please check out The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
>Passive Aggressive Minds Think Alike
84416 years
by signewhitson
in Uncategorized
>Siblings without rivalry are like thunder without lightening. The two just go together, although some storms are more damaging than others. One of the most common sources of family conflict has to do with sibling jealousies
Hidden but Conscious Revenge
Here are two classic examples of passive aggressive sibling jealousy
The first involves two families, four girls, and one sleepover. “Jesse and Hailey” are 7-year old best friends. Their families get together often and all of the siblings have become playmates. When Jesse and Hailey planned a sleepover, both Jesse’s 9-year old big sister and Hailey’s 4-year old little sister were filled with jealousy. Though the big and little sister pair understood that they were a mismatch for their own sleepover, they both decided on a little passive aggressive revenge to act out their feelings of anger and jealousy.
To the parents’ best knowledge, there was no conspiracy or planning on the parts of the left-out sisters—which is what makes the story so hilarious—but when Jesse and Hailey settled down to sleep at about midnight on the night of their sleepover, they both realized that their favorite stuffed animals were missing! Neither girl could sleep without their animal, a commonly known fact among all family members. Jesse knew she had packed her stuffed cat and Hailey kept her Panda bear on the same pillow every single day. How could they both have gone missing?
After hours of late-night searching and little sleep for anyone, both Jesse and Hailey’s sisters miraculously “found” their sisters’ respective stuffed animals. Coincidence? It seems as though passive aggressive minds think alike!
The second example shared with me centers around cool shoes, trendy outfits, special dresses, and all of the clothing battles that are a source of many fights among close-in-age siblings.
Kelly looks up to her older sister, Sally and wants to be just like her (even dress like her). Kelly asked Sally if she could wear the pettiskirt that Sally had just brought home from the store. Since Sally wanted to be the first one to wear it, she said no. Kelly didn’t protest much at the time, but she did sneak into Sally’s closet and take the skirt. Knowing she couldn’t let Sally see her wearing it, she hid it in her backpack. The next morning Sally looked everywhere for her skirt, but couldn’t find it of course. When she got to school, she saw Kelly coming out of the girl’s locker room, wearing a pettiskirt. HMMMM!!
Letting a Problem Escalate
Teenage twin brothers Todd and Kevin got along great most of the time. They were soccer team mates who spent most of their time together. When Kevin began dating Courtney, Todd felt left out of his brother’s life. One Friday night, when Courtney called with an apology about having to cancel their plans, Todd took the phone message, but “forgot” to pass it on to Kevin.
To ensure the information would not be relayed, Todd also hid Kevin’s cell phone and stayed on the computer, blocking e-mails and instant messages. Kevin left for his date unaware of anything unusual and came home bewildered, hurt, confused and angry at being stood up. Before he could pick up the house phone and call Courtney, Todd confessed with an, “Oh! I meant to tell you, but you left the house in such a hurry. Courtney called and said she couldn’t go out tonight. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer your cell.”
Intentional Inefficiency
Ellie was invited to go to Six Flags with a friend from school. She knew she couldn’t go unless her Science Fair project was complete, since the event was to be held at school the following day. Ellie begged her sister, Maddie, to print out the already-complete Data & Results pages from her computer and affix them to her display. Maddie agreed to do so, but in her jealousy over not being included in the amusement park trip, she added a little something to the data. At the science fair, Ellie was confused at first—then humiliated—when her teacher pointed out the errors in her calculations and disqualified her project from the Science Fair.
How do the winds of passive aggressive behavior
>Sticks and Stones: A Little Girl’s First Experience with Bullying
31116 years
>My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.
Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.
In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.
When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.
Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.
In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.
In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.
The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.
The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
