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signewhitson
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Posts by signewhitson
>May I Help You? Passive Aggressive Behavior in the Customer Service Industry
92816 years
>The customer service industry is especially ripe for situational passive aggressive behaviors in that service professionals are expected to demonstrate hospitable behaviors at all times. When faced with demanding patrons and customers, these workers may maintain their public smile while privately seething and plotting revenge. In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior In Families, Schools, and Workplaces, 2nd ed., we share this real-life anecdote:
Sharon went to the Customer Service counter of a local Supercenter to return a pair of brand-new, never-worn shoes she had purchased on Clearance the previous day. The tags were still on the shoes and Sharon had her receipt in hand. After waiting in line for what she felt was an unreasonable length of time, Sharon’s exasperation was apparent to the customer service representative. “I’m in a hurry!” she barked when it was her turn in line. “I want a refund on these shoes.”
The young woman behind the counter smiled graciously and took the shoes from Sharon. She began to inspect them.
“There’s nothing wrong with them!” said Sharon.
“No problem, Ma’am,” said the worker. “I just have to check. Do you have your receipt?”
Sharon threw the receipt at her. “I just bought them yesterday. I never wore them. They are the wrong color. And they look so cheap. Everything in this store is hideous.”
The worker, continuing to smile, looked at the receipt carefully and replied, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but these shoes were purchased on Clearance. We have a no-returns policy on Clearance Items. All sales are final.”
“I want to speak to your manager!” yelled Sharon. “This is ridiculous! How dare you?”
“Certainly, Ma’am. All referrals to management are handled at that counter” she said, pointing to a line, ten people deep, across the aisle.
Fuming, Sharon grabbed her shoes and walked out of the store.
The next customer in line overheard the loud scene created by Sharon. As soon as she approached the counter, she politely explained that she too had a Clearance item for return and would move on to the other line. The Customer Service Representative stopped her, saying, “No problem. I’d be happy to take care of that for you right here.”
In our one-day workshops, based on The Angry Smile, we’ve had participants share many similar stories, including the following:
Awake and Alert at 35,000 ft.
My workplace was the perfect setting for passive aggressive behavior. When you are 35,000 feet above the Earth, you have many opportunities to graciously and politely respond to the demands of obnoxious, authoritarian passengers.
It was a snowy January evening and we were taxiing to the runway, getting into position to depart O’Hare airport, when the pilot made an announcement that our departure for Washington D.C. would be delayed because we had to have our wings de-iced. Before the announcement ended, a call button rang. As I approached the passenger, he demanded to know how long we would be delayed, because he had an important meeting very early the next morning. Of course, this was the same man who had just given me a hard time about stowing his over-sized bag under his seat, a few minutes earlier.
I politely explained that safety was our first priority. He insisted that I ask the pilot how long it would be before departing. Before I had the chance to respond, the pilot informed the passengers that we were next in line for de-icing. The passenger gave me a dirty look and demanded that I bring him some decaffeinated coffee. I told him that he would have to wait until we were up in the air.
Shortly after take-off, before it was even safe for me to unbuckle my seatbelt, his call button rang again. I waited longer than was necessary before I made my way to his seat. He wanted his coffee immediately, but wanted to make sure that it was decaffeinated, reminding me of his important early morning meeting.
I politely told him that I would make the coffee and bring him a cup as soon as it was ready. Less than ten minutes later, I served him the first of five cups of fully caffeinated coffee. I don’t know about him, but I slept very well that night.
Aren’t You Forgetting Somethng?
An irate customer stormed into the store where I work and approached my co-worker, Cindy. Cindy tried to be helpful as the customer made a huge scene over trying to return a non-refundable item. Cindy attempted to explain the store policy and politely pointed to the bright orange, “Final Sale” label on the item, but the customer would have none of it. He insisted on speaking to the manager.
Cindy explained the situation to our boss. The boss was busy and told Cindy to “deal with the problem.” Cindy informed the customer that she would allow him to return the item, as long as he had the receipt. After digging in his wallet, the customer was able to produce the receipt, so Cindy promptly issued the return—intentionally giving the customer the wrong amount of change.
When the customer pointed out her mistake, she apologized sweetly and corrected her error with a smile on her face. When the customer turned to leave the store, Cindy noticed right away that he left his wallet open on the register counter. She thought about pointing this out to him…then decided not to.
Have you fallen prey to a customer service professional’s passive aggressive behavior? Have you been the one to dish it out? What are your stories of private anger in public service?
>Sober House with Dr. Drew
94016 years
>Whoever said Reality TV was a waste of time never tried to demonstrate a concept about passive aggression! The 3/25/10 episode of VH-1’s Sober House with Dr. Drew shows so many great concepts from The Angry Smile. Watch House Manager Jennifer Jimenez get caught up in Conflict Cyle after Conflict Cycle!
Here is the link to VH-1’s website. The clip I have in mind starts about 39 min into the show:
http://www.vh1.com/video/sober-house-with-dr-drew/full-episodes/episode-3/1634526/playlist.jhtml
Watch former NBA star Dennis Rodman engage Jennifer in a passive aggressive showdown. She insists that he write a 150-word essay on why he (and other housemates) are sabotaging their recovery. His response: writing the word “why” on a piece of paper precisely 150 times. Intentional inefficiency in action!
When it is time for Jennifer to collect the essay, she comes at Dennis guns-blazing: yelling, threatening, dropping F-bombs, etc. Dennis remains calm throughout, clearly amused at her escalating anger…classic passive aggressive conflict brewing! As if to confirm, in the midst of her one-woman rant, Dennis says (with an angry smile), “I want to see how mad you really get!”
And that’s all just the icing on the cake. The preface to all of this is a passive aggressive war of words about Dennis giving his cell phone to Jennifer as a consequence for breaking curfew.
Check it out. It is Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle 101. And by the way, when is Dr. Drew going to teach her how to get herself OUT of this kind of no-win battle??
>Revenge! Counter-Passive Aggression in Families, Schools and the Workplace
126816 years
>Welcome to Passive Aggressive Diaires, especially to those readers who have linked here from Psychology Today! Please browse through the examples of passive aggressive behavior that have been shared throughout this blog and add your own interesting, humorous, conniving, and infuriating examples of passive aggressive…and counter-passive aggressive behavior here.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
If you haven’t been there already, please check out http://bit.ly/9t7s8a for my latest post on the Psychology Today website.
>The Real World–Washington DC: Ashley’s Angry Smile
46516 years
>Check out this clip from the January 20th, Episode 4 of MTV’s The Real World–DC. Starting at around 8:44 into the episode, Ashley and Mike get into an argument that culminates, at around 9:50, into the most classic “Angry Smile” I’ve seen in quite a while.
Note the smile on Ashley’s face and the calm that comes over her when she finds Mike’s vulnerable spot and gets him to act out the anger that had been building inside of her. Immediately after, listen to her words in the MTV “confessional” revealing her true feelings, underneath her angry smile.
http://www.mtv.com/videos/real-world-washington-dc-ep-4-the-princess-and-the-panda/1629645/playlist.jhtml
>Passive Aggressive Ninja
132116 years
>Here’s a great cartoon on one of the oldest, and most dreaded passive aggressive methods out there: the silent treatment!
http://www.savagechickens.com/2009/09/the-passive-aggressive-ninja.html
Wait! I think my mom’s under that ninja suit!
>Hidden but Conscious Revenge
94216 years
>Did you see the news headline this morning about Sarah Palin’s vacation-wear? Apparently, she was filmed by the paparazzi wearing a sun visor with her former Presidential running mate’s name blacked out! As if her book, Going Rogue, had not spurned enough of her political foes in a backhanded way, now she’s blacking out McCain’s name with a Sharpie, for all of the world’s cameras to see! This is classic passive aggressive revenge, accompanied by all of the hallmark excuses that justify, rationalize, and excuse her behavior. Here’s her statement:
“I am so sorry if people took this silly incident the wrong way. I adore John McCain, support him 100 percent and will do everything I can to support his reelection. As everyone knows, I was honored and proud to run with him. And Todd and I were with him in D.C. just a week ago. So much for trying to be incognito.”
“Incognito?” Seriously? That’s the best excuse she can come up with? It’s almost like she’s not even trying to cover up her resentment… Her and Tiger Woods have got to know that they will be filmed everywhere they go! There is no “incognito” as she keeps making public moves like this one!
This Blog is made to laugh about the hilariously conniving lengths that people are willing to go to to express their hidden anger; when I saw the news this morning, I knew it couldn’t get more funny–or more passive aggressive–than Palin’s searing political statement!
>Five Levels of Passive Aggressive Behavior
016 years
>In The Angry Smile, we define five distinct and increasingly pathological levels of passive aggression:
Level 1: Temporary Compliance, in which the passive aggressive person verbally complies with a request, but behaviorally delays acting on it. Temporary compliance is the most common form of passive aggressive behavior and sounds something like, “I’m cooooooming!”
Level 2: Intentional Inefficiency, in which the passive aggressive person complies with a request, but carries it out in an unacceptable manner. Intentional Inefficiency looks something like my husband unloading the dishwaser by putting everything out on the counter and claiming, “I wasn’t sure where these went!”
Level 3: Letting a Problem Escalate, in which the passive aggressive person uses inaction to allow a forseeable problem to escalate and takes pleasure in the resulting anguish. Passive aggressive kids are at this level when they return a car with an empty gas tank, even when they know their parent will be late for work if they have to stop for gas.
Level 4: Hidden but Conscious Revenge, in which the passive aggressive person makes a deliberate decision–and takes hidden action–to get back at someone. This more serious level could involve stealing field trip money from the purse of a teacher who they feel has mistreated them, sabotaging the presentation of a colleague who they feel was unfairly promoted over them, or slashing the tires of a resented step-father’s car.
Level 5: Self-depreciation, in which a passive aggressive person goes to self-destructive lengths to seek vengeance. From the teenager who dyes his hair blue before a college interview to the girl who starves herself to get back at her demanding father, this level is the most pathological…and usually not great fodder for “funny” stories.
In The Angry Smile, we document passive aggressive behaviors at each level, across home, school, relationship & workplace settings.
What examples do you have of passive aggression at these levels?
>Roomate stories
016 years
by signewhitson
in friends
>Whenever two people share close quarters, arguments are bound to occur. Sometimes hostile words are spoken…sometimes things are left unsaid…but the anger always comes out somehow. Here are some passive aggressive stories posted by roommates:
Jenny on 9/30/09
My roommate and I alternate whose turn it is to clean the room each week; this past week it was my turn. She keeps a corkboard above her bed on which she keeps various assignments for school, pictures of friends, and the like. As I was cleaning up trash around the room, I noticed a paper on her board for an assignment that was due a week ago, so being mindful of my job to clean up, I threw it out. When she returned to the room, she got upset with me for “messing with her stuff. I became upset with her as well, because I had just gotten back from a long evening class and was too tired to deal with her. Therefore, in an attempt to “get even”, I re-tacked her paper as well as several others from the trash. When confronted about it, I told her that I simply did not want her to miss anything important that already happened.
Anonymous posted on 9/23/09:
My freshman year of college, I was assigned to a random roommate. Sam and I did not get along in the very least. Sam took control of all of my belongings, always had friends over at all hours of the night, and seemed to have this urge to annoy me. The worse part of the situation wasn’t Sam, it was her boyfriend Ben. Ben spent the night every night and it was hard to get any alone time. I became very passive aggressive, just leaving notes for Sam, avoiding her as much as possible, and the anger kept on building up inside of me. One day, I got really fed up and called Sam’s parents. I let her mother know that her boyfriend would spend the night in Sam’s bed, which was absolutely forbidden my Sam’s parents. They took her home very quickly and I had a room to myself for the rest of the semester.
Anonymous posted on 9/22/09:
So I live with three other girls in an apartment. We agreed on having the temperature set at 73 degrees, nice and comfortable. I have come back to the apartment everyday to find it close to 80 degrees in the apartment because someone shuts of the air. So I just turn it back on and go on my way. Well after the second week of this happening every day I decide to be real mature and plummet it down to 65 degrees to prove a point. So instead of asking someone if they have turned it off and why they allowed it to get real hot I just turn it down to 65 degrees and let the place freeze over and I love it.
>Check out Keri Ann’s Passive Aggressive Note on VH-1’s Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew!
78116 years
>Dr. Drew is always good for shedding light on mental health issues…Keri Ann’s passive aggressive note to Kendra, on the third episode of VH-1’s “Sex Rehab,” ought to provide some good material to process in the group’s sessions. Check out the clip to watch passive aggresion in action!
Kari Ann Writes Kendra a Letter: “Kari Ann actually does something and writes Kendra a ‘apology letter’ about how she feels!”
Notice how Keri Ann, unwilling to own her own anger, declares, “This is her anger…” referring to her castmate, Kendra. Passive aggressive people operate by getting others to act out the anger that they are harboring. If you have time, check out the rest of the episode and watch how Kendra is hooked into the passive aggressive dance.
What do you think about how Keri Ann signs the note? “I’d love to be your friend…Love, Keri Ann xoxo” A little incongruous with the tone of the rest of the message, right? Another classic PA tactic. This gives Keri Ann the ability to deny her anger when confronted and to say, “See…I was trying to be her friend…”
When Amber tells Keri Ann that the note is a bit combative, Keri Ann’s admits that it is important for her to get her “jabs in,” an acknowledgement of the note’s underlying angry message. Keri Ann also follows up by saying that if she didn’t get those passive aggressive jabs in…she’s just come right out with her anger by calling Kendra a “tranny face.”
Have you seen the episode? What other passive aggressive behavior do you see? What do you think about Keri Ann’s passive aggression and its impact on the other patients?
>”You Should Just Make Being Home Really Miserable for Him…”
61516 years
>I got some classic passive aggressive advice from a friend today. We were chatting at our kids’ morning bus stop and comparing notes about the ways in which our husbands get on our nerves (sorry, honey!) My complaint was about how my husband has had too much time on his hands recently, so he has this annoying little habit of looking over my shoulder whenever I am on the computer. Reading my e-mails, browsing my Facebook photos, even scanning my work…it’s not that he’s checking up on me and not that I have anyting to hide; he’s just passing time and I cringe when he does it!
So, my friends exact words were, “You should just make being home really miserable for him.” She started to tell me that she had been thinking about some ideas for how to do so…but the bus came. For the sake of my marriage, I think I am glad not to be armed with ideas! But what do you think she would have said?
How many of you have expressed your frustration in your relationship through passive aggressive means? I’m sure a lot of your tales would be funny…I’ll bet if the bus hadn’t interrupted us, my neighbor would have had some hilariously conniving tips to rid me of my over-the-shoulder computer loiterer. Do tell what you have done!
