Uncategorized

>My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.

Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.

In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.

When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.

Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.

In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.

In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.

The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.

The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

>Some of the most magical moments for any family involve the arrival of a newborn sibling. There is joy in the new birth and excitement over the possibilities of this young life. The former “babies” of the household elevate their status overnight to become “big” brothers or sisters. The luckiest ones may even score a larger bed or bigger bedroom in the process. Yes, there are many wonderful changes that come when a new baby enters a family, but sometimes the adjustment period holds some rough edges for the littlest of family members.

The following tips are offered to help your older child(ren) transition well to your expanding family:

Set clear expectations

When my second daughter was on the way, my older daughter was thrilled at the prospect of having a live-in playmate. Her hopes were dashed by Day 2, however, when she realized that this new “live-in” did a whole lot of sleeping, dominated Mommy’s time with round-the-clock feeding, and—least tolerable of all—cried a heck of a lot.

Prepare your older child for the ups, downs, and realities of life with a newborn. Tell stories about his own days as a newborn, visit with other families that have infants, preview what your home’s daily routine will be like, and read books about life with a new sibling. One of my daughter’s favorite books during our newborn transition was Mercer Mayer’s The New Baby. It made her laugh and seemed to normalize some of the tougher newborn moments.

Give a Promotion

Allow your older child(ren) to take on the role of “Special Helper” in the family. Even toddlers can provide a much-needed set of extra arms for fetching diapers, handing over out-of-reach bottles, grabbing spit-up cloths in a jiffy, and selecting bath toys. Older kids can get involved in making bottles, changing diapers (who doesn’t want help with that?) and reading to the baby.

There are countless ways to involve siblings in caring for a newborn baby. Be sure to express your appreciation for all that they do. Also, reassure them that the place that they hold in your heart is as special as ever—and that your love for them will never change.

Gifts Never Fail

Newborns are often showered with gifts—adorable baby hats, booties, onesies, and cozy blankets seem to arrive by the armful with every new visitor. While parents appreciate these precious items, the newborn has no meaningful awareness of the cascade of presents. But older children sure do. While there are lessons to be learned for older children about their sibling being deserving of gifts and that they are not always the center of attention, the best-learned lessons are also those that are well-timed. In the overwhelming moments of the newborn transition, it’s difficult for siblings to take in the imbalance of gifts—the feeling that they are missing out on Christmas. When well-meaning guests arrive with gifts for baby only, parents can have on hand a cute hat, stuffed toy, board book, or simple dollar-store item that your older child can unwrap and enjoy.

One of my favorite moments of our family’s newborn transition was during the thrill of our first Christmas as a larger family, when my older child asked if she could pick out presents for the baby. Initially, I was suspicious that we were going to go on a thinly-veiled shopping spree for her own holiday list, but as it turned out, her shopping list was shockingly thoughtful and right on the money for what her three-month old sister would enjoy. ‘Tis true what they say; it is better to give than to receive, even for young ones!

When a new baby enters the family, everyone’s life changes! A little advance planning, helper-cultivating, and gift-stashing can go a long way toward making this one of the happiest periods in your young family’s life.

Now that we’ve covered ways to help older siblings adjust to their expanding families…let’s take a turn to the Passive Aggressive side of things.  What stories do you have of children “welcoming” newborn siblings, in sugarcoated but hostile ways?

>

In The Angry Smile, we talk abut passive aggressive behavior as part of a cultural norm.  This clip (between 1:58-2:58) is a perfect illustration of what we are talking about in the book, as Texan Renee Zellweger sends Kathy Griffen a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, which, as Kathy points out, is really just Southern for “F-you!”

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces