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passive aggression
>May I Help You? Passive Aggressive Behavior in the Customer Service Industry
92815 years
>The customer service industry is especially ripe for situational passive aggressive behaviors in that service professionals are expected to demonstrate hospitable behaviors at all times. When faced with demanding patrons and customers, these workers may maintain their public smile while privately seething and plotting revenge. In The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior In Families, Schools, and Workplaces, 2nd ed., we share this real-life anecdote:
Sharon went to the Customer Service counter of a local Supercenter to return a pair of brand-new, never-worn shoes she had purchased on Clearance the previous day. The tags were still on the shoes and Sharon had her receipt in hand. After waiting in line for what she felt was an unreasonable length of time, Sharon’s exasperation was apparent to the customer service representative. “I’m in a hurry!” she barked when it was her turn in line. “I want a refund on these shoes.”
The young woman behind the counter smiled graciously and took the shoes from Sharon. She began to inspect them.
“There’s nothing wrong with them!” said Sharon.
“No problem, Ma’am,” said the worker. “I just have to check. Do you have your receipt?”
Sharon threw the receipt at her. “I just bought them yesterday. I never wore them. They are the wrong color. And they look so cheap. Everything in this store is hideous.”
The worker, continuing to smile, looked at the receipt carefully and replied, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but these shoes were purchased on Clearance. We have a no-returns policy on Clearance Items. All sales are final.”
“I want to speak to your manager!” yelled Sharon. “This is ridiculous! How dare you?”
“Certainly, Ma’am. All referrals to management are handled at that counter” she said, pointing to a line, ten people deep, across the aisle.
Fuming, Sharon grabbed her shoes and walked out of the store.
The next customer in line overheard the loud scene created by Sharon. As soon as she approached the counter, she politely explained that she too had a Clearance item for return and would move on to the other line. The Customer Service Representative stopped her, saying, “No problem. I’d be happy to take care of that for you right here.”
In our one-day workshops, based on The Angry Smile, we’ve had participants share many similar stories, including the following:
Awake and Alert at 35,000 ft.
My workplace was the perfect setting for passive aggressive behavior. When you are 35,000 feet above the Earth, you have many opportunities to graciously and politely respond to the demands of obnoxious, authoritarian passengers.
It was a snowy January evening and we were taxiing to the runway, getting into position to depart O’Hare airport, when the pilot made an announcement that our departure for Washington D.C. would be delayed because we had to have our wings de-iced. Before the announcement ended, a call button rang. As I approached the passenger, he demanded to know how long we would be delayed, because he had an important meeting very early the next morning. Of course, this was the same man who had just given me a hard time about stowing his over-sized bag under his seat, a few minutes earlier.
I politely explained that safety was our first priority. He insisted that I ask the pilot how long it would be before departing. Before I had the chance to respond, the pilot informed the passengers that we were next in line for de-icing. The passenger gave me a dirty look and demanded that I bring him some decaffeinated coffee. I told him that he would have to wait until we were up in the air.
Shortly after take-off, before it was even safe for me to unbuckle my seatbelt, his call button rang again. I waited longer than was necessary before I made my way to his seat. He wanted his coffee immediately, but wanted to make sure that it was decaffeinated, reminding me of his important early morning meeting.
I politely told him that I would make the coffee and bring him a cup as soon as it was ready. Less than ten minutes later, I served him the first of five cups of fully caffeinated coffee. I don’t know about him, but I slept very well that night.
Aren’t You Forgetting Somethng?
An irate customer stormed into the store where I work and approached my co-worker, Cindy. Cindy tried to be helpful as the customer made a huge scene over trying to return a non-refundable item. Cindy attempted to explain the store policy and politely pointed to the bright orange, “Final Sale” label on the item, but the customer would have none of it. He insisted on speaking to the manager.
Cindy explained the situation to our boss. The boss was busy and told Cindy to “deal with the problem.” Cindy informed the customer that she would allow him to return the item, as long as he had the receipt. After digging in his wallet, the customer was able to produce the receipt, so Cindy promptly issued the return—intentionally giving the customer the wrong amount of change.
When the customer pointed out her mistake, she apologized sweetly and corrected her error with a smile on her face. When the customer turned to leave the store, Cindy noticed right away that he left his wallet open on the register counter. She thought about pointing this out to him…then decided not to.
Have you fallen prey to a customer service professional’s passive aggressive behavior? Have you been the one to dish it out? What are your stories of private anger in public service?
>Passive Aggression at the UN
44215 years
>Here’s a great look at passive aggression on the world’s stage. Check out this clip from Th Daily Show with John Stewart, featuring the speech of Iranian President Ahmadinejad at the United Nations:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-september-24-2009/international-house-of-fruitcakes
If you can’t click on the link directly, please cut and paste it into your browser. Enjoy!
>The Gifts that Keeps on Giving
14215 years
>The subject of gift-giving always seems to be a ripe one when it comes to collecting stories of passive aggressive behavior–especially among family members. Passive aggressive persons often select gifts not based on what the receiver genuinely desires, but rather to make a specific statement.
Read below for some great examples, including this one, posted by Robin on 5/10/09:
My in-laws never seem to be happy with any gift we ever give them. And they are not the typical parents/grandparents that are happy to receive a homemade gift from the grandchildren or something with sentimental value. Oh no. They want GIFTS! Gifts that cost money. Gifts that come in a Red Envelope or ones in a little powder blue box. Expensive, lavish gifts that we don’t seem to ever produce, regardless of how much we’ve tried.
And yes, for a very long time, we have tried to please. However, this past Christmas, with the recent addition of a baby to our family, we didn’t have a lot of time for shopping. That being said, everyone in both of our families received gifts that could be ordered online. And everybody else seemed to be grateful for our efforts. Despite the time constraints and sleep deprivation under which we were working, we thought we had come up with a good one, both thoughtful and costing money, by sending my father in law a gift package from Omaha Steaks. For my mother-in-law, we sent her a gift basket from a company that apparently weaves baskets from gold plate instead of wicker.
They apparently did not appreciate the efforts. When my husband called his parents for our weekly phone chat (notice I didn’t say, when my father-in-law called to thank us) he graced us with a not so convincing thank you and proceeded to tell us that, “you know, if you’re looking for gift ideas for your mother and me in the future, we like tickets to shows. You know concerts, Broadway plays, that kind of thing”. My husband was beside himself over his father’s audacity to inform us of what to buy him. I, on the other hand, was not surprised. After all, if tickets are what he wants, tickets he shall get…..next Christmas, I hope he enjoys his night out to see THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES.
Have any good examples of bad gifts? Post them here!
>Film Critic, Anyone?
6315 years
>Examples of passive aggression are all over the big screen! Given how often this behavior occurs and how funny it can sometimes be, it’s perfect fodder for Reality TV casting agents and screenwriters who want to show trouble in relationships! Next time you are watching a movie or indulging in some good TV and see a passive aggressive scene, log on to the site and let us all know about it!
Here are a few favorites:
Bride Wars with Ann Hathaway and Kate Hudson
If you want to see brizedilla bad behavior in film, Bride Wars is Passive Aggression 101. After the stage is set for two best friends to have dueling weddings, the plot is just one act of covert sabotage after another. From one bride trying to get the other too fat to fit into her Vera Wang wedding dress to the other swapping a sentimental wedding slide show for a montage of drunken college photos to be broadcast as the bride walks up the aisle, the movie shows scene after scene of slapstick passive aggressive pranks.
MTV’s The Real World
The cast of Spring 2009’s MTV Real World–Brooklyn has all of the requisite melodrama that the show is known for and…better yet…some truly laughable passive aggression! If you want to see classic passive aggressive behavior in action, check out Episode 8, “Angry Boys and Dirty Girls” on MTV.com. To preview a few, check out the note that is left in the sink of dirty dishes and the part where Scott hides the car keys from the girls, as his way of getting back at them for not cleaning said dishes! Also, you can see a great example of a Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle as the girls (Sarah in particular) maintain their composure but get the boys (JD most of all) to lose their cool. Has anyone seen the episode? Here’s a link to MTV’s site to see for yourself. (Fast Forward to about 20 minutes into the episode to see a classic few minutes of key hiding!) http://www.mtv.com/videos/real-world-brooklyn-ep-8-angry-boys-and-dirty-girls/1605449/playlist.jhtml
27 Dresses with Katherine Heigl
Heigl’s character was furious that her sister pretended to be someone she wasn’t (vegetarian, mountain climber, earth mamma) just to steal-away the man of her dreams. So, on the night of their engagement party, Katherine played a slideshow for the guests – complete with pics of her dear sister eating chicken wings and engaging in various non-earth-friendly acts. Needless to say – the wedding was OFF. OUCH!
The Break-Up with Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn
In this battle-of-the-exes movie, both Anniston’s character (Brooke) and Vaughn’s (Gary) are angry over their break-up and determined not to vacate their shared, expensive Chicago condo until it is sold. Their post-break-up co-habitation is the source of much passive aggression, as the exes do everything BUT talk directly about their feelings. Hidden revenge, “jokes” that cut deeply, making each other jealous, being stood up for dates, feigned confusion when confronted and denial of hurt feelings are among the ways Brooke and Gary drive each other crazy in passive aggressive ways.
An Ideal Husband with Julianne Moore
Julianne Moore demonstrates a dead-on “angry smile” in this film, as her character, Mrs. Cheveley, threatens to expose past indiscretions of Sir Robert Chiltern. Pay attention to the P.S. of the letter she writes him and the expression on her face as she exposes Chiltern’s secret and pits him against his wife. This movie is also a great example of passive aggressive behavior as characteristic of a cultural norm. In the high society, politically powerful atmosphere of Great Britian circa 1895, a “lady” would never express her anger directly…but Moore’s character comes out with her passive aggressive guns blazing!
Meet the Parents with Ben Stiller and Robert deNiro
This film includes lots of passive aggressive behavior on the part of the father (Robert deNiro) as he meets his soon-to-be son-in-law (Stiller) and gives him a little preview of what life will be like in the family. Most notable are the father’s comments about Greg’s choice of nursing as a profession.
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood with Sandra Bullock
In this movie, neither mother nor daughter wants to take steps to repair the deep-seated rift that separates them. They engage in a series of passive aggressive acts–including a funny exchange of FedEx packages–to avoid confronting each other directly about their anger.
Please post comments here with more examples of passive aggressive scenes from film and TV…
>Parenting the Passive Aggressive Child
515 years
>Check out the October 2009 issue of Going Bonkers Magazine for how-to tips on handling a child’s passive aggressive behaviors. The article describes typical passive aggressive dynamics between parents and children and provides five simple steps parents can follow to keep their cool in a passive aggressive storm.
I invite you to share your thoughts on the article as well as your own examples of passive aggressive behavior!