Archive for July, 2010

>I haven’t been able to extract just a clip of this episode, but you can fast forward to about 33 min, 40 sec into the episode. Check out the extreme examples of passive aggressive behavior between Ryan and Preston–it’s Hidden but Conscious Revenge to the extreme!!

Real World: New Orleans Ep. 4 Superbrawl 2010: “The animosity between Ryan and Preston escalates to a place that shocks everyone and the roommates fear for McKenzie’s safety when she gets black out drunk on Superbowl Sunday.”

>In The Angry Smile, we talk about backhanded compliments, unsolicited advice, and unwanted gifts as classic examples of how adults engage in passive aggressive behavior. Appropriate-ish on the surface, these “gifts” let the recipient know that under the neatly-wound bow lurks a deep dig, an intentional insult, and a barely hidden act of bitterness.

At a neighborhood cook-out this weekend, I was told this great story about an elderly mother, the daughter she lives with, and a heartfelt birthday gift:

My mom is a widow who got herself into financial trouble after my dad’s death. About five years ago, we invited her to come live with our family. Since I have four children and my husband works a lot, I thought that she could help us and we could help her. We’ve had our ups and downs over these last few years and while we love each other, there is a lot of resentment brewing on both sides about our living arrangement.


Last week, it was my birthday. I was busy cooking and getting the house ready to have about 15 family members over. The house was a wreck and above all, it was just so loud, with all of the kids playing noisily, the TV on, music playing, the dog barking, etc. When my mom walked in the kitchen and started talking endlessly about something she had just seen on TV, I glared at her.


“What?” she asked. “What do you want?”


“Silence!” I pleaded. “Just 10 minutes of silence, please.”


My mother stormed out of the kitchen and proceeded to give me just what I had asked for—the silent treatment for four straight days. Not a word. Not a peep. A few icy stares, but no sounds.


My birthday came and went, without her saying a thing to me. I didn’t really mind. It was sort of peaceful.


The day after my birthday, my mom decided it was time to speak to me again. She asked, “Can I talk now?” After the momentary awkwardness, I thought we were back on track. Until about ten minutes later, when I heard the most horrendous, shrill squeaking noise coming from my family room. I rushed in to see my mom tossing a brand-new, squeaking plastic bone to our dog. “Look how much he loves his new toy!” she said with her best angry smile.


She was right—he loved it! Played with it all day. Through the night as well! I’ve never in my life heard a doggie-toy with a pitch quite as high as this one. She got me! I wish I had enjoyed her gift of silence more while I had had it!

Have you been the recipient of any good passive aggressive gifts—someone trying to prove their point and express their hostility wordlessly? Do tell!

If you are interested in reading more about passive aggressive gifts, backhanded compliments, an unsolicited advice, please check out The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces  While you’re online, please also check out the adorable baby clothes and headbands at My Baby Clothes Boutique.  My Baby Clothes Boutique has partnered with me to provide great parenting tips for their customers as a thank you for their loyalty. Check them out next time you need to get a baby gift!

>Siblings without rivalry are like thunder without lightening. The two just go together, although some storms are more damaging than others. One of the most common sources of family conflict has to do with sibling jealousies and all of the ways that envy rears its ugly head—from physical aggression that pelts like hail to passive aggressive acts that mimic the wind, imperceptible to the eye but obvious in their impact.

Hidden but Conscious Revenge

Here are two classic examples of passive aggressive sibling jealousy:

The first involves two families, four girls, and one sleepover. “Jesse and Hailey” are 7-year old best friends. Their families get together often and all of the siblings have become playmates. When Jesse and Hailey planned a sleepover, both Jesse’s 9-year old big sister and Hailey’s 4-year old little sister were filled with jealousy. Though the big and little sister pair understood that they were a mismatch for their own sleepover, they both decided on a little passive aggressive revenge to act out their feelings of anger and jealousy.

To the parents’ best knowledge, there was no conspiracy or planning on the parts of the left-out sisters—which is what makes the story so hilarious—but when Jesse and Hailey settled down to sleep at about midnight on the night of their sleepover, they both realized that their favorite stuffed animals were missing! Neither girl could sleep without their animal, a commonly known fact among all family members. Jesse knew she had packed her stuffed cat and Hailey kept her Panda bear on the same pillow every single day. How could they both have gone missing?

After hours of late-night searching and little sleep for anyone, both Jesse and Hailey’s sisters miraculously “found” their sisters’ respective stuffed animals. Coincidence? It seems as though passive aggressive minds think alike!

The second example shared with me centers around cool shoes, trendy outfits, special dresses, and all of the clothing battles that are a source of many fights among close-in-age siblings.

Kelly looks up to her older sister, Sally and wants to be just like her (even dress like her). Kelly asked Sally if she could wear the pettiskirt that Sally had just brought home from the store. Since Sally wanted to be the first one to wear it, she said no. Kelly didn’t protest much at the time, but she did sneak into Sally’s closet and take the skirt. Knowing she couldn’t let Sally see her wearing it, she hid it in her backpack. The next morning Sally looked everywhere for her skirt, but couldn’t find it of course. When she got to school, she saw Kelly coming out of the girl’s locker room, wearing a pettiskirt. HMMMM!!

Letting a Problem Escalate

Teenage twin brothers Todd and Kevin got along great most of the time. They were soccer team mates who spent most of their time together. When Kevin began dating Courtney, Todd felt left out of his brother’s life. One Friday night, when Courtney called with an apology about having to cancel their plans, Todd took the phone message, but “forgot” to pass it on to Kevin.

To ensure the information would not be relayed, Todd also hid Kevin’s cell phone and stayed on the computer, blocking e-mails and instant messages. Kevin left for his date unaware of anything unusual and came home bewildered, hurt, confused and angry at being stood up. Before he could pick up the house phone and call Courtney, Todd confessed with an, “Oh! I meant to tell you, but you left the house in such a hurry. Courtney called and said she couldn’t go out tonight. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer your cell.”

Intentional Inefficiency

Ellie was invited to go to Six Flags with a friend from school. She knew she couldn’t go unless her Science Fair project was complete, since the event was to be held at school the following day. Ellie begged her sister, Maddie, to print out the already-complete Data & Results pages from her computer and affix them to her display. Maddie agreed to do so, but in her jealousy over not being included in the amusement park trip, she added a little something to the data. At the science fair, Ellie was confused at first—then humiliated—when her teacher pointed out the errors in her calculations and disqualified her project from the Science Fair.

How do the winds of passive aggressive behavior blow in your household? Please share your stories of sibling jealousies and stormy revenge here.

>My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.

Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.

In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.

When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.

Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.

In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.

In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.

The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.

The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces