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>I learned something new last week: how to see the world through my husband’s eyes. What a nice trip down his memory lane. What a great cure for the irritation I had been feeling!

It all started with our first-grade daughter’s end-of-the- year project to write a report on an animal of her choice and to create a model of the animal. The guidelines were loose; kids could make the models out of any materials they wanted, so long as they didn’t just buy a stuffed animal or cut its picture from a magazine.

In a rare moment of decisiveness, our daughter quickly settled on the penguin as her animal-of-choice and starting scribbling ideas for its construction on paper. “This is going well,” I thought. She asked me to bring up Google on the computer, so that she could find out some facts about penguins for her report. “This is going very well,” I decided. I didn’t even know she knew what Google was!

I assisted her a very little bit with picking out interesting penguin facts (did you know that the smallest species of penguin is called the Fairy Penguin?) and making sure her spelling was correct, but she really and truly wrote her report all by herself. Responsibility for own work encouraged. Check. Independence cultivated. Check. Pride in her work fostered. Check, check, check.

Now, on to the model of the penguin, otherwise known as “Daddy’s department.” My husband and our daughter enjoyed a mini-spree through our local crafts store, though while I was browsing with our younger child, I did notice our first-grader skipping to keep up with her dad as he efficiently grabbed items off of shelves and moved briskly from one aisle to the next. At the check-out counter, when I asked her what materials they bought, she smiled excitedly and said, “I have no idea.”

I watched in abject horror as my husband spent the day (the entire day) painting, gluing, cutting, running to the hardware store (!), beading, cursing, and studying his penguin model. Our daughter was sort of in and out of the room—eagerly checking in on what her Daddy was doing, then happily going back to her own fun.

My heart was sinking and my irritation was rising. I was flooded with memories of my own sixth grade design-a-mode-of-transportation project, when my mom hijacked my model. I vividly recall taking a finely-crafted wooden bobsled to school and having it be the best project on the table—and feeling mortified because it was so obvious that a sixth grader never could have built a model of that quality.

Watching my husband build the penguin on his own, I was terrified that our daughter would face the same humiliation. Pride in her work? Out the window! I needed to protect my daughter from the miserable experience I had had.

I explained my sixth-grade horror story to my husband who, in turn, relayed his fondest third-grade memory of his father carving an eagle’s head into a section of a totem pole that he was tasked to create. In his case, his father’s obvious contribution to his project was a source of tremendous pride—a happy experience that he wanted to re-live by helping our daughter.

One first-grade animal project, two very different perspectives—both entirely legitimate. How to proceed? What do you do when two people have opposite perspectives on a subject, yet both are 100% correct?

We let our daughter take the lead. She seemed thrilled with how the penguin model was going and didn’t appear to feel any of the angst I experienced so many years ago. In fact, she was named “Assembler-in-Chief” as she glued all of the individual pieces of the penguin together to create the final model. On presentation day, she was beaming. I heard the pride in her voice as she explained to her teacher and the other visiting parents about how her and her Daddy built the penguin and I knew, looking in her eyes, that her memory of this experience would be a happy one.

I was wrong, I admit it. Not about how I felt with my own project (still bitter after all of these years!) but about how someone else would feel in a similar situation. Looking through the window of my husband’s experience helped me view a world I hadn’t known was possible. From our daughter’s unique perspective, here is what I witnessed:

Full responsibility for her written report. Check. Confidence and pride in her presentation. Check. Lifelong fond memory of her Father. Check, check, check.

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

>Where should I send the Thank-you note? To the Bravo network? To a Real Housewife?

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of NJ delivered yet again, when it comes to this collection of hilariously conniving examples of passive aggressive behavior. Though the hostility is barely hidden and rarely sugarcoated amongst these Housewives, the behind-the-scenes chatter and this e-mail exchange, in particular, are great examples of passive aggression on the set.

My favorite line in this clip comes at the very end: Danielle’s classic, passive aggressive 2-word/phrase answer to Dina’s long e-mail. Let me know what you think in the “Comments” section.

http://www.hulu.com/embed/PE7T7kSFBxmMl2V9NO3rUw

http://www.hulu.com/watch/156204/the-real-housewives-of-new-jersey-dinas-not-done-with-danielle?c=81:234

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

>”Good fences make good neighbors.” So says Robert Frost in his famous poem, The Mending Wall. Wonder if that’s true. Wonder if my neighbor is building a fence. Or a wall. It’s truly hard to tell what the man is thinking. After 9 years of living back to back, we really can’t figure him out. All we know is that when we’re both in the yards or passing by in cars, he studiously puts his head down to avert eye contact, and it has been that way ever since we moved in.

Well, to be accurate, we have spoken a few times. When we first moved to the neighborhood, he did knock on our door to say “This is my property line.” He was very meticulous in pointing out which of the leaves we just inherited from the former owners tended to fall on his L-shaped yard and how, exactly, we needed to keep any of our plants out of his mulch.

“O-K,” we thought. Hope there are some friendly neighbors around here…

Turns out, there have been very friendly neighbors, including ones who informed us that the grumpy, unwelcoming neighbor had an ongoing feud with the previous owner’s teenage son. Over rocks. Yep. Apparently, the neighbor accused the teenager of taking rocks from his garden. (In this part of Pennslyvania, if you dig 1 inch into the ground, you hit rocks, so there need be no fighting over the plentiful supply!)

It seems our neighbor is quite able to hold a grudge, as he’s taken that anger over the rocks out on us time and time again. Since the property-line tours in the first 3 months, he’s never spoken to us directly, but has let us know in all kinds of passive aggressive ways that he is harboring hostility. Let me recount just a few for you:

1. He “accidentally” cut our dog’s electric fence wire (3 times!).

2. Last Fall, he posted an opposing political sign within inches of ours (ours was really just on display to support a fellow neighbor who was running for office)

3. We have a walnut tree on our property (planted long before we lived here!)whose few wayward branches occasionally drop a few nuts on his side of the lawn. He likes to throw them into our yard. “Throw” would be kind. Perhaps “hurl” would be more accurate. Mind you, I have young children.

The latest is his extreme trimming of the hedges that separate our properties and piling up of huge piles of debris, right at the dividing line. Because of the L-shape of his property, it looks like we are the massive twig/brush/rotton leaf accumulators. I want to put a sign up that indicates to our neighbors that the dump pile belongs to him. But that would be passive aggressive. The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

My husband is hopeful that the new activity around our property line indicates that Hostile Harry is planning to build a wall. I’m hoping for a fence. Afterall, good fences are supposed to make good neighbors.

>Those little teaser headlines on Yahoo rarely grab my attention anymore, but yesterday, something about the headline “Worst Words to Stay at Work” made me want to click. Each of the phrases that author Linnda Durre describes as “toxic” are really examples of passive aggressive phrases used in the workplace. Meanwhile, Durre gives some great instructions on how to effectively confront the PA behavior, that is very much aligned with the steps of “Benign Confrontation” that we outline in The Angry Smile. Nice to see we’re on the same page here.

Let me know what you think. Have you heard these words and phrases in your office? Have you uttered them yourself??

The Worst Words to Say at Work
Linnda Durre, Forbes.com, Yahoo! HotJobs

Some words and phrases are often used to buy time, avoid giving answers, and escape commitment. If you use these words and phrases yourself, take a scalpel and cut them out of your thinking, speaking, and writing.

“Try”
“Try” is a weasel word. “Well, I’ll try,” some people say. It’s a cop-out. They’re just giving you lip service, when they probably have no real intention of doing what you ask. Remember what Yoda says to Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars”: “Do or do not–there is no try.” Take Yoda’s advice. Give it your all when you do something. And if it doesn’t work, start over.

Put passion into your work, and give it your best effort, so you can know that you did all you could to make it happen. So if the outcome you were expecting didn’t come to fruition, it’s not because you didn’t do everything you could to make it happen. It just wasn’t the right time for it or it wasn’t meant to be.

“Whatever”
This word is a trusted favorite of people who want to dismiss you, diminish what you say, or get rid of you quickly. “Whatever,” they will say as an all-purpose response to your earnest request. It’s an insult and a verbal slap in the face. It’s a way to respond to a person without actually responding. When you say “whatever” after another person has said his or her piece, you have essentially put up a wall between the two of you and halted any progress in communicating. It’s a word to avoid.

“Maybe” and “I don’t know”
People will sometimes avoid making a decision–and hide behind words and phrases like “maybe” and “I don’t know.” There’s a difference between legitimately not knowing something and using words like these as excuses. Sometimes during a confrontation, people will claim not to know something or offer the noncommittal response “maybe,” just to avoid being put on the spot. If that seems to be the case, ask, “When do you think you will know?” or “How can you find out?” Don’t let the person off the hook so easily.

“I’ll get back to you”
When people need to buy time or avoid revealing a project’s status, they will say, “I’ll get back to you,” and they usually never do. If people say they will get back to you, always clarify. Ask them when they will get back to you, and make sure they specify the day and time. If they don’t, then pin them down to a day and time and hold them to it. If they won’t give you a day or time, tell them you’ll call in a day or week and follow up. Make sure you call and get the information you need.

“If”
Projects depend on everyone doing his or her part. People who use “if” are usually playing the blame game and betting against themselves. They like to set conditions, rather than assuming a successful outcome. People who rely on conditional responses are fortifying themselves against potential failure. They will say, “If Bob finishes his part, then I can do my part.” They’re laying the groundwork for a “no fault” excuse and for not finishing their work.

There are always alternatives, other routes, and ways to get the job done. Excuse makers usually have the energy of a slug and the spine of a jellyfish. You don’t want them on your team when you’re trying to climb Mt. Everest.

“Yes, but . . .”
This is another excuse. You might give your team members suggestions or solutions, and they come back to you with “Yes, but . . .” as a response. They don’t really want answers, help, or solutions. You need to call the “Yes, but . . .” people out on their avoidance tactic by saying something like “You know, Jackie, every time I offer you a suggestion you say, ‘Yes, but . . . ,’ which makes me think you don’t really want to solve this problem. That’s not going to work. If you want to play the victim, go right ahead, but I’m not going to allow you to keep this up.” After a response like that, you can be assured that the next words you hear will not be “Yes, but . . .”!

“I guess . . .”
This is usually said in a weak, soft-spoken, shoulder-shrugging manner. It’s another attempt to shirk responsibility–a phrase that is muttered only when people half agree with you but want to leave enough leeway to say, “Well, I didn’t really know. . . . I was only guessing.” If you use this phrase, cut it out of your vocabulary.

“We’ll see . . .”
How many times did we hear our parents say this? We knew they were buying time, avoiding a fight or confrontation, or really saying no. It’s better to be decisive and honest by saying, “I need more information. Please present your case or send me the data–both pro and con–so I can make an informed decision.” That way, the interested parties will contribute to an in-depth, well-researched “verdict.”

This column is an excerpt of “Surviving the Toxic Workplace” (McGraw-Hill, 2010), by Linnda Durre, a psychotherapist, business consultant, and columnist. You can follow her on Twitter: @LinndaDurreShow.