Being a Mom

Scratching Beneath the Surface: Recognizing Common Psychological Defenses Used By Kids

13 years
by in Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls, Parenting

Don’t let the title of my recent post in Psychology Today fool you; little kids are not the only ones who employ psychological defenses to guard against emotional pain.  Tweens, teens, and adults alike often go to great lengths to mask inner pain with defensive words and behaviors.

Parents, teachers, caregivers and friends who recognize common, defensive verbal façades are in the best position to support a child’s true feelings.  Please check out my recent post on PsychologyToday.com to learn how to recognize four of the most common defenses used by kids.

From Perfection to Personal Bests: 7 Ways to Help a Gifted Child

13 years
by in Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls

You get the letter from school in the mail. A teacher has identified your child as potentially “gifted” and wants to send him or her for further testing and evaluation. Flash forward: the tests are completed, your child is a whiz, and enrichment classes will become a part of his regular school routine. What wonderful news!

It was in my family. Until all of a sudden, it wasn’t anymore. Instead of my seven-year old feeling enhanced self-confidence and pride in her intellectual and creative abilities, what I began to see was a newly anxious little girl who cried over imperfect scores on her handwriting test and wanted to give up books “forever” when she found out she placed second in her class’ monthly reading contest.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  Please check out my post on PsychologyToday.com for 7 essential strategies on how professionals, parents, and caregivers can nurture a “growth mindset” in their gifted child.

7 Skills Parents Can Teach Their Kids for Standing Up to Bullies

13 years
by in anger, assertiveness, Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls, bullying, cyberbullying

Click here to check out this article, posted on the website Parents Are Important, featuring 7 skills parents can teach their kids, for standing up to bullying.

http://www.parentsareimportant.com/2011/12/7-skills-for-teaching-your-child-to.html

Anything Boys Can Do, Girls Can Do…Fiercely!

13 years
by in Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls

Yesterday, my 8-year old daughter went to compete in her karate tournament. At the start of her event, I heard a Dad snickering to his young son about how easy it would be to beat the “little redheaded girl.” After her first three wins and as she sat preparing for the final round, I heard the same Dad, while munching on his words, warn his son how hard it was going to be to go up against that “tough redheaded girl.” 

 

In the words of William Shakespeare, “And though she be but little, she is fierce!”

Recognizing & Responding to Your Daughter’s Passive Aggressive Behavior

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13 years
by in anger, angry smile, assertiveness, Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls, counter-passive aggression, Parenting, passive aggression, passive aggression in families, passive aggression in girls, passive aggressive behavior in families

Amber had been giving her mother the silent treatment all week. She was angry about not being allowed to sleep over at a friend’s house. Late Thursday night, she left a note on her mother’s pillow, asking her mom to wash her uniform before Friday’s soccer game. When Amber returned home from school on Friday, in a rush to pack her gear, she looked all over for her uniform. She finally found it in the washer-perfectly clean, as per her request-but still soaking wet! Amber was late for her game and forced to ride the bench.

 

When all was un-said and done, Amber’s mother felt defeated. Having one-upped her daughter in the conflict, it was clear to her that she had lost by winning. As parents, most of us have been in situations where traveling the low road is irresistible and we become temporarily reckless in our driving. But anytime we mirror a child’s poor behavior instead of modeling a healthier way to behave, our victories add up to long-term relationship damage and lasting hostilities.

 

To read the rest of this post and find guidelines for how parents can maintain their calm in a passive aggressive storm and respond in ways that lay the groundwork for less conflictual relationships with their daughters, please visit my blog on Psychology Today.

Rachel Simmons Offers Parents Advice on Cell Phone and Social Media Limits

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13 years
by in assertiveness, Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls, bullying, cyberbullying, Facebook, online, Parenting

Rachel Simmons, bestselling author of Odd Girl Out and co-founder of the Girls Leadership Institute (GLI), offers great insights and advice for parents on how to walk the fine line between stalking their children’s technology usage and taking a totally hands-off approach.  Her advice on effective limit-setting–and why limits are so important socially and academically–is great:

 

 

Parenting the Passive Aggressive Child

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13 years
by in anger, angry smile, assertiveness, Being a Mom, Parenting, passive aggression, passive aggression by children, passive aggression in families, passive aggression in relationships, passive aggressive behavior in families

So, my sweet eldest child just muttered something about “I hate you. You’re the meanest Mommy in the whole world” as I was leaving her room. (Apparently she didn’t agree when I told her that homework was her responsibility.) Guess passive aggression and indirect anger are no longer something I need to be concerned about with her… So much for this approach I had just mastered:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/hidden-anger-how-to-confr_b_1119328.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false#undefined

 

How do you approach passive aggressive behavior with your kids?

Girls Not as Nice as Sugar and Spice

0
13 years
by in anger, angry smile, Being a Mom, building self-esteem in girls, bullying, cyberbullying, friends, Parenting, passive aggression

Check out this news story from “across the pond:”  Friendship & Other Weapons is featured in an article in the Irish Independent newspaper!

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/girls-not-as-nice-as-sugar-and-spice-2947208.html

The Nail in the Fence: A Story about the Scars Left by Words Said in Anger

672
13 years
by in anger, Being a Mom, bullying, Parenting

This story, most recently posted on Sue Atkins’ (The Parenting Expert) website, reminds me of an activity I recently posted that teaches kids about the impact of bullying words.  The basic message of “The Nail in the Fence” is the same: words can wound, so use them with care. 

If you are living or working with kids and teaching important lessons about anger management, this is a great read:

 

The Nail in the Fence

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.”

The Role of Compassion in Stopping Bullying

1366
13 years
by in Being a Mom, bullying, cyberbullying, Parenting

My heart is heavy after reading this story about Ashlynn Conner, a 10-year old child who hung herself.  According to her parents, Ashlynn was relentlessly bullied in school.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/14/ashlynn-conner-ten-year-o_n_1092683.html?1321290598&icid=maing-grid10|htmlws-main-bb|dl3|sec1_lnk3|112386

 

I always wonder about the bully and what motivates someone to be relentlessly cruel.  I ache for kids like Ashlynn who are hopeless, and see no light at the end of the tunnel.  And I think about all of the other kids in her world who knew about the aggression she was facing. 

Even having written a book on the subject, I don’t pretend to have any simple answers about how to stop bullying.  It’s a complicated problem and intervention has to occur on multiple levels.  That’s jargon for: we’ve got a LOT of work to do!  What I do know, though, is that fostering compassion is one of the most important missing links when it comes to creating a climate in which bullying becomes unacceptable.

In this recent HuffingtonPost article, I wrote about 7 ways that parents and nurturing adults can help kids become more compassionate.  I think it’s a mistake to assume that kids are either compassionate or they’re not.  Big hearts can be nurtured and compassionate kids hold a critically important key in creating cultures where bullying is not tolerated.

Whenever I talk with groups of kids about bullying, I share this mantra: It is never OK to do nothing about bullying. I have kids repeat the phrase.  I encourage them to shout it.  Sometimes, we see if the whole building can hear us!  I want kids to remember this truism.

Today, after reading Ashlynn’s story, another set of words–this time from Albert Einstein–are echoing in my head:

“The world is a dangerous place not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.”    
 
  

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Signe Whitson is an author and educator on bullying, crisis intervention, and child and adolescent emotional and behavioral health. In her articles, books, and training workshops, Signe provides down-to-earth, practical advice for professionals and parents on navigating the daily challenges of living and working with children, tweens and teens.

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