bullying

>Jenny McCarthy Proves the Bullies Wrong – The Ellen DeGeneres Show#comments#comments#comments

14 years

by signewhitson in bullying

>Jenny McCarthy Proves the Bullies Wrong – The Ellen DeGeneres Show#comments#comments#comments

Here is another timely clip on the subject of why kids feel like they can’t talk about bullying. Watch Ellen’s interview on 10/5/10 with Jenny McCarthy, as Jenny talks about why she never told her mom about the bullying she endured for years.

This is a great clip to share with kids, not only to teach them about the importance of talking to a trustworthy adult about bullying (see blog post below for specific steps on how to do so) but also teaching kids to take a “long view,” when it comes to bullying.

It is important for kids to know that although the bullying that occurs in the moment is intense and overwhelming, it is also temporary and fleeting. Both McCarthy and Ellen’s next guest, The Social Network actor Armie Hammer, explain why living for the future, instead of “in the moment” is one of the best ways to endure and overcome the painful impact of bullying. See Armie’s clip here:

http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/10/armie_hammer_bullying_1005.php?adid=widget_armie_hammer_bullying_1005

>Encouraging Your Child to Talk About Bullying

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14 years

by signewhitson in bullying

>On September 3rd, bus-cam video was featured on all of the TV news channels, framing the story of a father who stormed his 12-year old daughter’s school bus and went off on a curse-laden tirade against the youngsters who were accused of bullying his child. With a little media spin and a lot of repetition of a context-free video clip, James Jones looked like a hot-head. Indeed, the had-it-up-to-here dad had exceeded his limit of tolerance for the out-of-control verbal and physical abuse his daughter, Chatari Jones, had been experiencing on the bus. Admittedly, his response was not ideal.

But there was something powerful about watching Jones, interviewed along with his wife and daughter on NBC’s The Today Show, that revealed the complexity of emotion behind Jones’ unsophisticated rant:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/39497160#39497160

There is so much I want to say about this news story—and so much that has already been written about the epidemic of bullying amongst today’s young people. What struck me perhaps the most, however, was this young victim’s delay in telling her parents about the abuse. Chatari Jones explained to Matt Lauer that at first, she didn’t tell her parents about kids on the bus who smacked her on the head, twisted her ear, and shouted rude comments at her, because she was worried about being called a “tattletale” and fearful that the bullying would worsen.

Like Chatari, most young people hesitate to tell adults about physical violence, threats of harm, rumor-spreading, or any of the behaviors that fall along the painful continuum of bullying. How can you help make sure that your child talks with you promptly about incidents of bullying?

Create Awareness in Kids

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bullies victimize others in order to gain power and control. They typically select targets who are unlikely or unable to fight back.

From an early age, make sure that your son or daughter recognizes bully behavior in all of its various forms. Bullying includes overt physical actions like hitting and kicking along with “relational aggression” in the forms of social exclusion and public humiliation (including the publicly broadcast video of a private sexual encounter that contributed to the recent suicide of a promising young man at Rutgers University.)

Create Awareness in Adults

Encourage your child to tell trustworthy adults about any instances of bully behavior, either in his own life or that he sees occurring with a peer. Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything—so why even bother to tell them? Though some parents, teachers, or other adults may fail to recognize the seriousness a bullying situation, more often, grown-ups are unaware of harassment on the bus, locker-room taunts, cafeteria exclusions, and cyber-bullying. Make sure your child knows that it is his job to create awareness.

Telling vs. Tattling

Does your child worry that if he “tattles,” the bullying will worsen? Help him to realize that this is exactly what the bully wants him to think! Isolation is how the bully operates. It is only by telling an adult that your child can end the isolation that the bully has begun.

Be clear in teaching your child that telling an adult about bullying is not a mark of cowardice, but rather a bold, powerful move. When the bully realizes that his intended victim is brave enough to connect with others, he loses his stronghold.

Act Quickly

The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form—name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to fight back, the aggression worsens. Name calling becomes public humiliation. Teasing grows into group ostracism. Pushing and shoving escalates to punches and assault.

Teach your child that when he lets bullying behavior go on unchecked, he lets his power slip away steadily. Taking action against the bully—and taking it sooner rather than later—is the best way to re-balance the power dynamic.

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>Sticks and Stones: A Little Girl’s First Experience with Bullying

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15 years

by signewhitson in bullying, friends, passive aggression by children, relational aggression

>My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.

Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.

In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.

When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.

Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.

In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.

In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.

The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.

The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces

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