assertiveness

Decision, Decisions: Helping Kids Make Constructive Choices for Expressing Anger

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Pack lunch or buy it? Headband or hairclip? Tell the truth or spare her feelings with a little white lie? Every day, kids face dozens of choices, from the ordinary to the complicated. One of the most important decisions a young person makes each day has to do with how he handles angry feelings. (more…)

Assertive Anger Expression for Kids: Arguing vs. Disagreeing

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Do your children bicker? Mine sure do. In fact, asking if they bicker is like asking if they breathe; it comes so naturally to them that some days it seems like a life-sustaining function. I try to remind myself that sibling rivalry, while not actually critical to survival, is at least a great teacher for kids, as they practice life skills like assertiveness, negotiation, and forgiveness.

Though I put great effort into not being a constant family mediator, one of the most effective lessons I was ever able to pass on mid-conflict was teaching my daughters the difference between disagreeing and arguing.

For the full text of this article, please visit:

http://www.parentsareimportant.com/2011/06/assertive-anger-expression-for-kids.html

For more information on skills and strategies to help children express anger in assertive, relationship-enhancing ways, please check out my latest book, to be released this July:  How to Be Angry: An Assertive Anger Expression Group Guide for Kids and Teens

I Was So Mad! Teaching Assertive Anger Expression to Kids

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From the cries of infancy, to the tantrums of toddlerhood, and hopefully the self-control of school-age years, developing the delicate art of anger expression is a process for children. Some little ones seem to be born with a cool head while others show their hot-tempers right from birth. No matter what your child’s temperament, all people have choices when it comes to handling angry feelings. Parents play the crucial role in helping their children make healthy choices when it comes to anger expression. Consider (more…)

4 Strategies for Confronting Passive Aggressive Behavior in Your Relationship

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One of my favorite stories about passive aggressive behavior in a marriage goes like this:

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked. “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to go shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

In relationships, passive aggressive behaviors are often used to avoid the direct confrontation of short-term conflict, but in the long-term, these dynamics can be even more destructive to marriage than outright aggression. To keep assertive communication

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>3 Steps for Improving Communication with a Passive Aggressive Spouse

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>Check out this article about how to effectively confront passive aggressive behavior in your relationship, posted on Mom It Forward

Behavior: Improving Communication With Your Spouse

>A Game Changer for Cyberbullies

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>Check out this story featured on The Today Show:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32545640

I happened to be watching this morning during the chaos of getting my daughters ready for school.  We all put down our breakfast spoons to listen to what Ally had to say and to hear how she responded with courage and strength to this painful and public humiliation.  Nothing my girls will learn in school today will compare with this great, real-life example of taking time to feel your feelings and then using them to propel you to action.  In Ally’s case, she did exactly what all the bullying experts advise–she took action quickly and courageously and stood up for herself in an assertive way.  Reporter Jeff Rosen calls her courage a game changer–I can only hope that both those who cowardly bully others and those who bravely stand up to mean kids will hear her experience and be moved by it.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/40565123#40565123

A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community.  The next time you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fashion-forward pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.

>Recognizing Passive Aggression in the Workplace

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>In addition to Passive Aggressive Diaries, I have been Blogging for Psychology Today.com. Here’s an item I recently posted there on passive aggressive behavior in the workplace:

His workplace resume reads something like this:

Work History

• Avoiding responsibility for tasks
• Doing less when asked for more
• Missing deadlines
• Withholding information

Professional Activities
• Leaving notes and using e-mail to avoid face-to-face communication
• Arriving late to work; extending lunch break
• Using sick days during major team projects
• Resisting suggestions for change or improvement

Special Qualifications
• “Forgetting” and “misplacing” important documents
• Embarrassing co-workers during meetings and presentations
• Justifying behavior with plausible explanations
• Consistently behaving this way across most workplace situations

Does someone in your office boast these passive aggressive credentials?

Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing hidden anger. In many workplace settings, where adults spend the majority of their waking hours and corporate hierarchies inhibit direct expression of feelings, the passive aggressive employee is able to sabotage everything from individual deadlines to department morale to organizational productivity. It is critical that employers be able to recognize passive aggressive behaviors in the workplace before they negatively impact output and efficiency. Do any of your workers exhibit these common tactics of passive aggressive workers?

Temporary Compliance
The passive aggressive employee often feels underappreciated and expresses his underlying anger through temporary compliance. Though he verbally agrees to a task, he behaviorally delays its completion, by procrastinating, “forgetting” important deadlines, “misplacing” documents, or arriving late. For the passive aggressive worker who feels under-acknowledged by colleagues and management, acts of temporary compliance are most satisfying.


Intentional Inefficiency

The passive aggressive worker feels it is more important to express his covert hostility than to maintain his appearance of professional competence. He uses intentional inefficiency to complete work in a purposefully unacceptable way:

Tom felt snubbed when passed over for a promotion. He decided to go about his job in a new way; the quantity of his output did not change, but his work became marred with missed details, important omissions, and critical errors. Though Tom never missed a deadline and took on every requested assignment, the quality of his final product had a way of creating embarrassing moments for unsuspecting supervisors caught presenting misinformation.

To protect your office from the passive aggressive saboteur, look out for employees whose work is consistently at or below minimum standards, who insists “no one told me,” and who personalizes any confrontations from authority, playing up their role as victim.

Letting a Problem Escalate
Teamwork and communication are key to productivity in the workplace. When a passive aggressive employee withholds important information or deliberately fails to stop a momentary glitch from turning into an irreversible gaffe, entire operations can be halted or even shut down. The (mis)use of sick days is an area of particular vulnerability in the workplace:

Brenda called in sick the day before a major deadline, knowing that her presence was critical to her department’s success. She took great pleasure in single-handedly foiling the quarterly report and in the resulting company-wide affirmation that without her, the department could not succeed.

Sabotage is the name of the game for the passive aggressive employee who justifies her characteristic crimes of omission by saying, “I didn’t do anything.”

Hidden but Conscious Revenge
In contrast to the inaction that marks the previous tactic, some workers use covert actions to get back at superiors against whom they hold a grudge. The passive aggressive employee is keenly aware that the person with whom he is angry has enough power and authority to make his professional life miserable, so he decides it is not safe to confront him directly. Whether it be through spreading gossip that maligns the boss’s reputation or planting a computer virus that shuts down office IT systems for a week, the passive aggressive employee feels justified in taking secret revenge in the workplace.

By the nature of their covert acts, passive aggressive employees are skilled at evading the long arm of the workplace law. Unchecked, a compliant rule-breaker can have a major impact on an organization’s productivity and morale. When employers understand the warning signs and quickly recognize passive aggressive patterns, they can protect their workplaces from being the unwitting victim of this ideal office crime.

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