Internationally recognized author & educator for professionals, parents, and kids
Parenting
3 Ideas for Teaching Empathy to Kids
88614 years
Check out this post from Mom It Forward for strategies for enhancing your child’s emotional intelligence:
The 3 Best Things My Mother Ever Taught Me
55014 years
This article of mine was originally posted on 5/9/11 on www.parentsareimportant.com:
Mothers are known for giving advice—both the asked for and the unsolicited kind. This year, I celebrate all of the wisdom that my own mom passed on to me through her words and more importantly, in her actions over the years:
Don’t Worry About What Others Think
My mother was the dance-in-the-aisles-of-the-supermarket kind of mom. The one who cheered too loudly at my cross-country meets and elbowed her way (more…)
Words of Wisdom from a Teen on How Moms Can Walk the Line Between Parent & Friend
45814 years
I love the way this teen writer describes her mom and offers her advice on what makes their relationship successful:
My Baby Clothes Boutique has partnered with me to provide articles to the parenting community. Check out their site the next time you need adorable baby clothes, photo perfect baby headbands, or even just a cute baby hat for Spring. They have everything you need!
A Role Model of Imperfection
83614 years
Happy Mother’s Day to all of my Mama friends! Here’s a re-run of a piece I wrote about my own awesome, inspiring Mom last July, first published on Skimabaco.com:
When I was a child, I adored every bit of my mother, from her kinky blonde hair to her bumpy thighs. Not the most flattering description, right? On the contrary—I truly thought those parts of my mom were lovable, wonderful and perfect! Let me explain.
Now that I am a mom myself, I find myself with choices everyday. Clean the kitchen floor or go to the pool? Work out or play a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos? Spend an hour cooking dinner or swing on a swing alongside my daughter?
The answers are obvious, right? They are to me. I’ve come to the conclusion that cooking and cleaning is a waste of my kids’ childhood. And while before guests arrive, I do often engage in furious rounds of throw-the-toys-in-the-basket and silently curse the results of my “let it go” attitude, I know that I keep a clean-enough house, a healthy, if non-gourmet kitchen, and a whole lot of savored moments with my daughters.
I learned all this from the mom I grew up with. These days, her hair is smooth and well-coifed. I know this is the way she prefers it, but I am grateful that when I was a kid and wanted her to swim with me, she was okay with letting the pool water and humidity cause her some frizz. Likewise, I vividly recall the days she dedicated to taking me and my brother to baseball games and children’s museums, but don’t remember a bit whether our house was clean or messy on any given day. Neither did it ever cross my mind how her thighs compared to those of other moms. I do, however, remember thinking that the bumps in her thighs were so soft and hoping that my legs would be just like hers when I grew up.
These days, cellulite on my thighs is no longer my fondest wish. Yet, knowing that I loved everything about my mom—and that she loved us enough not to let bad hair days and imperfectly-toned legs keep her from sharing in the things we loved—still makes me want to be like her in every important way.
A designer clothes boutique is working with me to bring parenting articles to their community. If you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fun Spring pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.
What Are You Really Mad At? Using Life Space Crisis Intervention Skills to Help Kids Understand & Manage Anger
87414 years
This morning, my 7-year-old daughter was playing a game on one of her favorite child-friendly websites, when all of a sudden, the computer froze. She tried practicing patience, assuming the squirrels who power our older machine were running slowly. She attempted a re-start — Mama’s trick for fixing any piece of technology. She even walked away for a bit, in an effort to soothe her frustrated nerves. Nonetheless, when I came downstairs, fresh from a shower and ready to start a great family weekend, her answer to my question of, “What would you like for breakfast, sweetpea?” was an angry “Nothing. I’m not eating. I don’t like anything we have here! Why can’t you ever buy waffles?”
Each complaining sentence was louder and more irritable than the one before it. The lingering coolness of my shower quickly heated to a hot, red flush over my cheeks. My automatic reaction was to mirror my daughter’s temperature: “What are you mad at me for?” I wanted to shout. Some of the other involuntary thoughts that rushed to my mind included:
- Fine! Don’t eat. But don’t bother telling me you’re hungry in an hour.
- If you don’t like what we serve for breakfast in this house, you can go without eating!
- Why don’t you just go spend the morning in your room? I don’t deserve to be spoken to in that way.
There were a few other names and phrases that flooded my senses within the first five seconds of her Waffle Rant, but in what I would like to think of as a moment of clarity (though it was probably only a matter of me debating which unhelpful reaction to voice), I just stared at her silently. Fortunately for both of us, that moment of quiet allowed my daughter the necessary pause to regain control of her emotions and to softly say, “I’m sorry, Mama. I was just really frustrated at the computer and I took it out on you.”
From eagerness to start the day, to a flash of anger, to pride in my child’s emotional maturity (and relief that I had muted my own automatic thoughts), my emotions in that single minute of time took an intense roller coaster ride. I call it the Nothing Comes from Nothing journey.
Have you ever been in a situation with your child where “out-of-the-blue,” they seem to want to fight? You witness (and are often the recipient of) a spike of sudden and unexplained anger. Because the emotion seems unfounded (and since it is usually dumped out on you), your emotions are instantly triggered and you, too, are inspired to quick anger. A heated conflict ensues, a dent is created in your relationship, and both of you feel bewildered about the whole situation.
One of the most common self-defeating patterns of behavior among young people is this phenomena of displacement. Displacement occurs when a child takes out his anger on an unsuspecting, often undeserving target. Because the target is taken by surprise, he often reacts in a conflict-fueling way and the rest…is history. Opportunities for healthy self-expression are lost. Relationships are damaged. Both parties lose.
How can parents handle this destructive dynamic? Is there a “cure” for displacement? As with most effective parenting strategies, the answer is that management begins at a personal level.
When Your Child Explodes Into a Fit of Anger:
Pause for a Moment
Hold your reaction. The most human thing you can do is mirror his behavior and respond with equal anger, but this will only serve to escalate the conflict and miss an opportunity to teach your child something about effective anger expression.
Recognize that Nothing Comes from Nothing
Most people don’t spontaneously combust. If your child is having a big reaction, be willing to look beyond his or her surface behavior and figure out what is motivating it.
Drain Off the Emotion
The first stage of Life Space Crisis Intervention, a therapeutic strategy for turning crisis situations into learning opportunities for kids with chronic patterns of self-defeating behaviors, teaches parents and professionals that before they can rationally engage a child in a discussion about his feelings, they must first reduce the emotional intensity of the situation. “Drain Off” is accomplished through such de-escalation skills such as active listening, supportive non-verbal communication, and a whole lot of patience.
Understand the Timeline
When kids are flooded by emotions, often they lose track of what made them so angry in the first place. Once your child has calmed down to the point where he or she can talk about what is going on, ask open-ended questions (e.g. How were you feeling when you woke up this morning? What was going on before I came downstairs from my shower?) to encourage your child to recount the timeline of what led up to their outburst. This process of making a child feel heard and understood is relationship building — the precise opposite of what happens when parents allow themselves to be drawn into the conflict and to engage in relationship damaging wars of words.
Explain the Dynamic of Displacement
As you hear your child tell his story, you may begin to recognize a pattern of displacement. Continuing on with your use of questions, ask the child:
- Who were you really mad at?
- Who did you take your anger out on?
- Did that person deserve your anger?
- What can you do to mend the situation?
- What could you do to prevent the situation from occurring next time?
The use of questions empowers your child to develop insight into his or her self-defeating behavior and to feel competent in developing solutions for the situation. Role-playing skills for more effective emotional expression in the future is a helpful way to round out the process.
Management begins with us. As parents, we have the power to make a situation worse or better — a relationship damaged or improved. Understanding the dynamics of displacement and recognizing that nothing comes from nothing enables us to disengage from destructive conflict cycles and respond instead in ways that build insight in children and foster positive relationships with the ones we love.
This article was first posted in March 2011 on Mom It Forward:Life Space Crisis Intervention Skills: Looking Beyond a Child’s Surface Behavior.
When the Children are the Teachers: 3 Kid-Inspired Lessons on How to Live
104914 years
In the run up to Mother’s Day, the stores are full of cards that help children express their appreciation for all of the things their moms have taught them over the years. I like to read the messages and consider how to be the type of mother that Hallmark greetings are made for. Likewise, I enjoy taking my time to select just the right sentiment for my own loving, giving mom. Most of all, though, as I read the cards about gentle hearts and wise souls, I think about all of the life lessons that my children are teaching me. This year on Mother’s Day, I honor and thank my daughters for showing me so much about how to really live:
Mind the Journey
As a student and a professional, I was always a Type-A worker, with my nose to the grindstone and a deadline forever in mind. Then one night, about two years into motherhood, I learned an unforgettable lesson about “minding the journey” as I was putting my daughter to bed. I was exhausted on that eye-opening night and ready to call it a day, so when my toddler took my hand in hers and led me toward a 50-sheet pathway of yellow construction paper that she had laid through the house, my first instinct was not my finest one. I wanted her to put it away and hop into bed—simple as that.
If not for her Daisy Duck-like two-year old voice explaining enthusiastically that she had built a yellow brick road and inviting me to “skip to Oz, Mama?” I might have stuck to my Type-A guns. Instead, my heart simply melted. In that instant, years of “destination” thinking gave way to savoring the journey that is life with little ones. We skipped along the pretend path and giggled all the way until my daughter finally fell asleep in my arms. Seriously—it was that good. Letting my task-orientation go and seizing the moment made for one of the best learning and loving moments with my daughter and I always remember that yellow “brick” pathway as one of her finest teaching moments.
Notice Everything
I am an outdoor Mom, hoping to inspire outdoor kids. As a family, we love to go on hikes. Our favorite spot is nothing rigorous—simply a well-worn path between an old shipping canal and a lake. Pre-Yellow Brick Road night, whenever I thought about a hike, my mind usually went right to a destination; the peak’s summit, the end of the trail, etc. I can’t lie and say that instinct has totally disappeared, but I can say that hiking with kids is like the world’s best exercise in re-training my brain to put aside the destination, and focus on the journey.
In the last year, our family has grown by two—snapping turtles, that is. Whereas my eyes are usually following the path ahead, my naturally curious daughters are noticing everything, including two quarter-sized, baby snapping turtles. Since my little nature-lovers bring their Bug Kits with them on every hike, we had collection jars on each of the hikes in which the turtles were spotted. Now, a full-year after we first found “Snappy,” he is about 15 lbs and has become best friends with our cat (from within the safety of his aquarium).
Tiny reptiles, interesting-shaped rocks, colorful weeds (er, flowers); you name it, my kids see it, pick it up, name it, and want to keep it. They teach me to slow down and notice the world, rather than just walk right through it. Best. Hiking. Guides. Ever.
Savor Moments
If I needed a Mommy mantra, this would be it. Though I have spent the first part of my life multi-tasking with the best of ‘em and priding myself on what can be accomplished in a day, my children have taught me that it is better to be a human being than a human doing. When we hike together or spend an extra 20 minutes before bed laughing and playing, we enjoy our finest moments. My task list will always be there, but my children are only young once—and the time is flying by.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I thank my kids for showing me all that I really need to know about life, love, and living well.
A designer clothes boutique is working with me to bring parenting articles to their community. If you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fun Spring pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.